Shlake.com

The Speaker of the House

2011-08-01T01:22:00.000-07:00

What Time Is It? Christmas Time!

2010-12-23T01:42:00.000-08:00

What time is it? Christmas time! And Christmas cartoon time! Entitled "What Time Is It? Christmas Time!" How appropriate.

If You Are Happy But Don't Know It, Don't Clap

2010-12-07T04:38:00.000-08:00

"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." That's awfully philosophical - self-awareness and all that. I bet Descartes wrote it.

Eat Turtle

2010-11-24T01:01:00.000-08:00

Here's a Thanksgiving cartoon! Enjoy it like you would mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.

Mouth Money

2010-11-15T01:30:00.000-08:00

I have always been one to put my money where my mouth is. That is to say, I kiss it.

Election Day

2010-11-02T04:32:00.000-07:00

Trick or Treat

2010-11-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

Christine's Costume

2010-10-29T03:55:00.000-07:00

Never Can Say Goodbye

2010-10-28T02:32:00.000-07:00

The Boys Are Back in Town

2010-10-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

Hello, again. Well, well, well, what have we here? Is this a Pake Shlake Band post? I thought those schmoozers called it quits long ago. Well, we did. But we're coming back like Disco. That is to say, in leisure suits!

That's right, folks! The Pake Shlake Band has started it's own line of retro clothing. No, no. Let's try again.

That's right, folks! The Pake Shlake Band is back in business! And, like any business that's been closed for a while, we are changing things up a bit. Think of it as a restructuring. It's as if the PSB filed Chapter 7 in the blog world: Bankruptcy of Ideas. But now we are back and better than ever! Or at least the same as ever. But better! Definitely better!

"What's changed?" you may ask. We'll wait.

What's changed?

Ah! Great question! We are gonna try to soup things up a skosh. In other words, you will get more new cool stuff and less old uncool stuff. But don't worry, if you had your heart set on old uncool stuff, we'll still have some of that for you, too. What's that? You have some questions? Okay, we'll take a few questions. It will be like a press conference.

Q: Will you bring back Game Time?

A: We don't know. We do know that you should like us on Facebook, so that way you'll see any new things we post. You should also follow us on Twitter, if that is what you are wont to do.

Q: Are you even on Twitter?

A: Irrelevant! Next Question!

Q: Will you post every day like you used to?

A: We do not grant the premise of the question. We never posted every day.

Q: Yeah, but you did usually have a post every weekday.

A: That is not a question.

Q: Ugh, fine. How frequently do you anticipate having new posts?

A: We refer you back to the following us on Facebook comment. No more questions!

Ah, yes. A classic press conference in which no questions were really answered.

Anyway, as you see we at the Pake Shlake Band have gotten a second wind, so to speak. We've found our muse, we've regained our inspiration, whatever you want to call it. But, make no mistake: the boys are back in town. And we are now men. And it's more "on a website" than "in town." The men are back on the website. Not as catchy, but slightly more true.

So stay tuned for more fun to come. Or don't, see if we care.

Don't @#!*& Over Spilled Milk

2010-02-25T02:46:00.000-08:00

You know the expression "Don't cry over spilled milk"? That's ridiculous. The expression should be "Don't get unnecessarily angry and start cursing over spilled milk." That adage would be more helpful. At least, in my experience.

The Take Break Band

2010-01-08T01:29:00.000-08:00

Hello, again. As you know, we at the Pake Shlake band pride ourselves on laziness. And, as we were priding ourselves on this, we realized that we had two deadly sins on our hands. And that made us mad! And jealous! Well, then we had four deadly sins, and we decided to get greedy and go for five!

Anyway, our deadly sin count is not the point of this post. Of course not. That would be ridiculous. The point of the post was to let you, our faithful fans, know that the Pake Shlake Band is going to be taking a break.

Yes, the Pake Shlake Band has become the Take Break Band. That's right. It's a TBB Original Game, Breaktakers. And we win.

Allow us to explain. When we started Shlake.com, we wanted a site where we could express ourselves in a crazy and funny way. Sometimes you would laugh, sometimes you would be confused, but every post should make you think, "Wow, those are some crazy guys!" and you would either laugh or furrow your brow.

But, instead of two crazy and funny brothers running a crazy and funny site, we turned into two poor stand-up comedians delivering one liners that even we didn't think were funny. Not exactly a recipe for success.

So, we are taking a break and finding our roots. (And you know how much we love sweet potatoes).

What does this mean for you? Well, not much. As you know, we are over two years old now, which in blog years is like 65, meaning we are ready to retire to Florida and start eating dinners at four. (Pass the sweet potatoes!)

Anyway, we will not be posting as frequently as we did in our youth, but feel free to check back from time to time since we probably will throw some stuff up. And, since we won't be posting every day, the stuff we throw up should be funnier. Or at least more true to ourselves, i.e. ridiculous.

We thank all of you who were regular posters - Lorenzo, Luca, Tony, Sam, DJ, Mamma Meg, Big A - and those less frequent posters, who are either not worthy of naming or actually just spammers that got through our filters.

Don't think of this as a "Goodbye," think of it as a "See you later." Much later. Think of it as a "See you in hell!" No, think of it as a "Sayonara." Or an "Adios." Or a "Bon voyage." Or, who knows what.

Anyway, thanks for reading this and never be afraid to shlake it up. Grac.

Again

2010-01-07T02:11:00.000-08:00

It's time once again for "This has never happened before, so why are you saying 'It's time once again for' about it?"

I'll be your host.

Third Grade Resolutions

2010-01-05T01:01:00.000-08:00

When I was in third grade, I made a New Year's Resolution to never make another New Year's Resolution. But, now as I am getting older, I think it's time for me to break this resolution since I've realized that not everything I did and said in third grade still applies.

Next, I'll convince myself that all girls do not, in fact, have cooties.

New Year Resolution

2010-01-04T01:03:00.000-08:00

Can someone help me. Since Friday, we have been in the year that follows 2009. I can't figure it out though.

Some people call it 2,010 like "Two thousand ten" and some people call it 2010 like "Twenty ten."

While the mathematician in me would prefer "Two thousand ten," the slacker in me likes "Twenty ten" because it saves me a syllable.

Me? I just want to get rid of all of the mathematicians and slackers that are hanging out inside of me. There's not enough room for you, and it's just plain gross.

Bad Resolutions

2010-01-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

If it's Friday, it's Game Time! Except when it's Saturday.

Last Week's Winner

Hello, and welcome to a rare Saturday edition of Game Time! It's been a busy holiday season, and we at the Pake Shlake Band have been a little negligent in our duties. But, don't worry, our New Year's Resolution was to make sure we do things on time. So, we are kicking the new year by playing Game Time one day late.

It was still Christmastime when we last played Game Time, and we wanted to know if you had heard any weird lyrics to Christmas songs. Let's take a look at what you said.

Lorenzo used the classic line, "Don we now our gay apparel." I wonder what Queer Eye For the Straight Guy thinks of this.

DBeck came close to getting back-to-back wins, as he criticized the Beach Boys for wishing Santa Claus a Merry Christmas and then telling us that Christmas comes at same time every year. In fact, we are a little surprised ourselves that DBeck didn't win, since usually insulting the Beach Boys is all it takes.

But, as it turns out, Lorenzo submitted a second answer that steals the win. In "Here Comes Santa Claus," also known as "Here Comes Santy Claus," Gene Autry says "Let’s give thanks to the Lord above ’cause Santa Claus comes tonight." To quote Lorenzo, "That is an unusual mix of religious and secular." We couldn't say it better ourselves. We probably could have said it equally well, though. Anyway, Lorenzo wins.

This Week's Game

It's the new year, and what better way to kick of the new year, than with New Year's resolutions! Sounds like a good time for a round of the PSB Original Game, Bests and Worsts. Here's the topic:

Worst New Year's resolution

And here's our answer: "In 2010, I resolve to eat less...poison."

What do you think? Post it up.

It's Almost 2010, Baby!

2009-12-31T01:32:00.000-08:00

You know how some people say, "Wow, I can't believe it's almost 2010. I'm still getting used to writing 2009 on my checks." I think a good response to this is, "You still write checks? Pay your bills online, baby!"

Then they will say, "Don't call me baby!"

Pucc It Up

2009-12-30T02:07:00.000-08:00

From now on, I'm gonna take Mike's advice, and call mid-October "Explorer season."

It'll go over well with the Knights of Vespucci order I'm in charge of.

Christmas is Christmas

2009-12-29T01:38:00.000-08:00

So I was watching TV on December 25th, and someone said, "Wishing all of you out there happy holidays!"

No. That is wrong. It's Christmas. You say "Merry Christmas" on Christmas.

That's like if on Columbus Day, someone said, "I hope everyone is enjoying the Explorer season!" Sorry, Vespucci, today is Columbus Day, you say "Happy Columbus Day." And on Christmas you say "Merry Christmas." The End.

Christmas Radio Stations

2009-12-28T02:42:00.000-08:00

You know those radio stations that play Christmas music non-stop from like November 1st? I loved how they ended it.

One of the stations decided to keep playing Christmas tunes throughout the weekend, so the people who hadn't had enough could still listen to Trans-Siberian Orchestra on December 27th.

Another station quickly dropped the holiday music Friday morning. Who needs to hear Christmas songs on Christmas? That's what Thanksgiving's for! Instead, they started counting down the best songs of 2009, and somehow, Bing Crosby didn't make the list.

But my favorite was the station that played Christmas music all the way through the night of December 25. Then first thing on Boxing day, they started playing "The Monster Mash."

Happy Christmas!

2009-12-25T03:28:00.000-08:00

Hello, again, and a Merry Christmas! You may have noticed that we at the Pake Shlake Band haven't posted much this week. Well, there are three reasons. 1. It snowed and it clogged up the internet roads. 2. Today is Christmas, and we had to get presents and things of the holiday nature. And 3. We're lazy.

Maybe the third reason is the most responsible, but at least we have two other reasons that we can use as an excuse. If you are really in need of some shlakeness, play the Game Time again. Or for the first time.

Anyway, we'd like to wish all of you a Happy Christmas, and we'll get back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery next week.

Closed Due to Snow

2009-12-21T03:49:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, it snowed a lot on the East Coast this weekend. And, in Washington DC, when it snows, everything is shut down. Including blogs. Sorry, that's how we roll. Hopefully, by tomorrow they will have plowed the information superhighway that is the internet. Otherwise, we might not be able to post then, either. Sorry for the inconvenience. But not that sorry.

Weird Lyrics

2009-12-18T01:44:00.000-08:00

Deck the halls with boughs of Game Time! Fa la la la la, etc.

Last Week's Winner

To get all of our fans in the Holiday spirit, we asked you to mash up two Christmas songs to form a new one. We got a lot of good responses, let's take a look at some of them.

First, Tony started us off with a good mashup - “I saw Mamma kissing Dominic the Donkey” about an Italian woman and the family burro. Too much uovo-nog, perhaps?

Luca, big A and Lorenzo all had some fine answers ranging from "Deck the Snowman!" to "Rudolph the Red Christmas Song" to "God Rest Ye Chipmunk," all of which came with their own stories describing the basic gists of the songs.

Russ one-upped them by providing not only the story of his new Christmas tune, but also providing a detailed description of the music video to his "We Three Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire". Unfortunately, that only earned Russ a silver medal.

Because the winner is... DBeck, a new reader who is showing up all over the Pake Shlake Band blogs, thanks to his recent commenting over at HoyaHoops.com.

Here was DBeck's answer:

“Grandma Got Run Over by the Little Drummer Boy”

Set to a polka, this song depicts the poor little drummer boy, late to play his gig for baby Jesus and ill-equipped to be driving due to his age, running over Grandma as she walked home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say there’s no such thing as underaged percussionists driving over the elderly, but as for me and Grandpa we believe

We expect to hear that on the radio before the Holiday season is over. Or else it will be a Pake Shlake Band original song by next year.

This Week's Game

We had a Christmas theme going this week, three different posts talking about odd holiday lyrics. And one post about Obama. So, we thought we would revisit that theme in our Game Time:

What is the weirdest lyric in a Christmas song?

We are gonna go with the old classic, Frosty the Snowman. Look at the lyrics, you'll know what we mean.

Now it's your turn. We ask that you not repeat any of the ones we've already used. You can use the same song if you want, but pick a different lyric. Now, play!

How Bizarre

2009-12-17T03:02:00.000-08:00

The other day, Mike talked about the strange lyrics in "Winter Wonderland." Then I talked about the strange lyrics in "Silver Bells."

Well, as it turns out, one year ago today, I talked about the strange lyrics in "Here Comes Santa Claus." And then we played a Game Time game where everybody nominated their favorite strange Christmas lyrics. So today, I think it's a good time for a...FLAAAASHBAAAAACK.

Johnny on "Here Comes Santa Claus"

You know the song, “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”? Of course you do, how silly of me. Anyway, here’s the thing. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, right? So when he makes that list, why does he have to find out who’s naughty or nice? He should already know. Unless there’s some sort of exchange rate between bads and naughties that I don’t know about.

Commenter Tony on the "12 Days of Christmas"

12 Days of Christmas, pretty much any day except 5 Gold Rings.

These are gifts?
8 Maids a-milking – I’d prefer 8 maids a-cleaning, now that’s a gift
9 Ladies dancing – mail order brides?
10 Lords a-leaping – excuse me?

Commenter Zo on "The Christmas Song"

I don’t know what they say in ‘The Christmas Song’ after “…and every mother’s child ___________ to see if reindeer really know how to fly…”

-is gonna try
-is on the sly
-has gone to spy
-has got their pie
-is gone awry

Nat King Cole has the coolest, clearest, most enunciating voice ever, someone must have given him a marshmallow or something during that part.

Commenter Max on "Up on the Housetop"

Up on the housetop. Why does the boy get weapons instead of toys? Hammer and tacks, baseball bats, and whips sound like a nasty combination.

Commenter Emily on "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

For me it is the entire song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I mean, why is it okay that Santa is a home-wrecker in that song? And why would Daddy laugh if he saw Mommy kissing a stranger in the middle of the night in the family home? I think some other response would be more natural. There is something wrong with that song.

Commenter Elizabeth on "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"

In the beginning to “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” it has Yoko saying “Happy Christmas Yoko” and then John says “Happy Christmas John”…..why are they wishing themselves a merry christmas? That is just rude.

Turns out, Emily won that Game Time with the whole Mommy smooching St. Nick thing. That's just weird.

The Acceptance Speech

2009-12-16T01:01:00.000-08:00