Wednesday, January 30, 2008

No Dessert Until You Eat Your Trees

When you are a little kid, and your parents want you to eat vegetables, they always say, "Broccoli looks like a tree, so when you eat it, you feel like a giant." But, if I were a giant, I wouldn't eat trees, either.

The King of Nopar

If I were king, I would rename my country Nopar. That way, I could park my car wherever I wanted. You see, even if there was a sign that said "NO PARKING," I would interpret that to mean the spot is reserved for the "Nopar King" which would of course be me.

Besides, if someone dared give me a parking ticket, I'd have them thrown in the Nopar Dungeon.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Supreme Indifference

President Bush delivered the State of the Union address last night. There were lots of times throughout the speech when everyone in the audience stood and clapped. Well, everyone except the Supreme Court justices. Since they are supposed to be impartial observers, they don't clap at all, as that might show bias. In general, this is a good policy. But, when the President says, "America opposes genocide in Sudan" and the justices are the only people not clapping, it makes them look bad.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Chapter 3: Flight and ...

"Okay. What if you had two super powers?" Mike asked.

"Dude, what's your problem? Alright, alright, let's see. I already can fly, right? So I guess I'd need to be able to land." Johnny said.

"That's not a super power. Anybody can land."

"Oh right, right. Super power. I thought you just said power. So, let's see. I can fly. And I can land. I can't swim, but that's my fault. I don't know. You have any ideas?"

"Dude, come on! You know, laser vision, super strength, lasso of truth, spidersense, the ability to talk to fish: super powers!"

Then it hit him. "Invisibility!" Johnny exclaimed! And so did I, the narrator.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Filling Up

Last Friday, we asked all of you to drop a letter from the alphabet. Lorenzo wins for eliminating the double u. Uuouu!

On Tuesday, Mike spoke of his love for piñatas. We thought we would spread the love:

What would you fill your piñata with?

The easy answer is candy. But as for us, we think we would fill it piñatas. How great would it be to break open a piñata to find dozens of little piñata offspring raining down on you. You can keep it as a souvenir of good times had, or fill it with little doggie treats for a party for your doggie! Ah, endless possibilities! Now, it's your turn.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Sleeping in a Made Bed

You know the expression, "You've made your bed, now lie in it"? I think it is used to mean, you did something wrong, now you are getting what you deserve. But I'm not sure that this analogy works. What is the bad thing we did? Making the bed? And then we get to lie down in a nicely made bed. Why is that a punishment? I think we should change the expression to: "You didn't make your bed, now you have to sleep on the uncomfortable sofa." Now, that's getting what you deserve.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I've got a slight problem with technology. No, it's not that it makes us lazy or that it hurts the environment or that we're becoming too dependent on it and if the machines try to turn on us we will be inevitably defeated. None of that. In fact, I like technology as much as the next guy. Unless the next guy is Amish, of course, then I like it slightly more than the next guy.

No my problem is with the word. You see,"-logy" means the study of. Biology is the study of bio, or life. Chronology is the study of chrono, or time. Zoology is the study of things you might find in a zoo.

Clearly, technology is the study of techno, strange music heard in European discos. And I for one am not a fan.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Pin the Tail on the Ata

People don't use piñatas enough in society. I mean, they are amazing things. You get to pick whatever shape you want them to take, fill them with whatever you want, smash the heck out of them, and then get the reward. If only those claw games at amusement parks were that easy.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Chapter 2: A Good Game

As the two began to eat their Super Hero pizza, Mike thought of a good game.

"I thought of a good game," Mike said redundantly. "If you were a super hero and could have any super power, what would it be?"

"Dude, it's like you don't even know what a game is," Johnny said. "In order to be a game, there has to be a winner."

"Oh, yeah? What about the game of life?"

"The Millionaire Tycoon wins."

"True enough," Mike said. "Okay, how about this? I have a philosophical question: If you were a super hero and could have any super power, what would it be?"

"That's better." Johnny thought about it for a while, and said, "I don't know. Why?" Clearly, he hadn't thought about it long enough.

"Come on, dude. Just answer the question." Mike said.

He thought about it for a while longer and said, "Well, I guess it would be cool to be able to fly. I mean, that way, I could like get out in a hurry if I ever needed to."

"Yeah, that would be cool," Mike said. "But lots of super heroes can fly. Wouldn't you want something original?"

"Dr. Pepper is the taste of originality, but I'd take a Coke any day. And I want to fly."

Friday, January 18, 2008

Letter Dropping

For last Game Time, we asked for everyone's favorite President's Day Carols. DJ made a valid point, that the rules didn't say the song had to be a Christmas song parody. But, DJ doesn't win. Emily gave a shoutout to Gerald Ford. Unfortunately, since he was elected neither as president nor vice president, we don't think he is a worthy winner of a President's Day Game Time win. Elizabeth's answer, while maybe clever, was gramatically incorrect, and we at the Pake Shlake Band doesn't hate nothing no more than gramaticals incorrectitudeness. So, Tony wins by default, and since his answer applied to the most number of Presidents, since there have been more Democrats in the White House than Gerald Fords or Bill Clintons. Congrats to Tony. And, don't forget, since two weeks ago there was no winner, Tony gets double props. Props Props to to Tony Tony.

Earlier in the week, Johnny talked about changing alphabetical order. We thought that in the process we might as well do some spring cleaning, too:

Which letter should be eliminated from the alphabet?

We think it should be "Q". Hey, Q what are you, a little scaredy cat? Can't go out and play without your buddy U? Well, here's some news for you, U is going out without you! He's having a grand old time at the mUseUm, and the football stadiUm. But where are you, Q? Stuck in IraQ.

Think U can do better? Yeah, we think so, too. Post it.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Perfecting the Bicycle

Bicycles are strange. I understand how they are popular and fun, but it seems like we could develop them more. Having two wheels is fine, but it's a little hard to balance yourself on them. The tricycle is the right idea. But, why stop there? Why not put 4 wheels on it? That will keep it real sturdy. And a bicycle seat is kind of uncomfortable. Why not make it like a chair? Oh, and it also takes to much effort to pedal a bike uphill. Let's give it an engine to power itself. And, let's make it safe, give it seat belts. And extra padding. Now, what do you have? A bicycle I would drive.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Qwelphabet

Is there any real reason we say the alphabet in the order we do? I mean who's to say that A comes before B? Not I. Haha, I. Get it? I? No? Hmm.

Anyway, I suggest that we arrange the whole alphabet to match computer keyboards. Why not? We all type. It seems as good an order as any. So we should start teaching our kids the Q-W-E's instead of the A-B-C's, and see how that takes us. I bet it'll solve a lot of problems.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Power Plants

I wonder why we call plants "plants." To me, planting is only the first step. We should call them by the whole process: "Plant-grow-water-grow-sunlight-grow-forget-to-water-die." That's what I call my house plants.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Chapter 1: The Super Hero Pizza

It was a dark and stormy night. The darkness of the night was not totally unexpected, but the storm was. Mike and Johnny were sitting around, looking out the window at the driving rain. And the driving car. The driving car?

"Pizza's here!" they both exclaimed, and ran to the door. Johnny grabbed the pizza and headed to the kitchen, while Mike stayed behind to pay the delivery guy. As usual.

As Johnny was opening the box to take his first piece, he noticed something unusual. "Ew, what's this?" he asked.

"It's Pizza Bandits' new pizza, The Super Hero." Mike replied. "Limited time only!"

"Super Hero? Who wants a 16-inch hoagie as a topping?"

"Oh, hero like sandwich. I thought it was called that because it's the super hero of pizzas. You know, like it's got the sauce of justice and EXTRA CHEESE! And it hurls its pepperoni nunchuks to tie up the evil sausages and bring them back in for the authorities."

"First, pepperonis look nothing like nunchuks. Second, nunchuks don't fly back to you - that's a boomerang. And third, Super Pizza would never try to harm the sausages, for they are a peaceful people. It's the evil Anchovy Army he has to watch out for."

Story Time

A couple weeks back, we talked a little bit about super heroes and super hero names. That got us thinking: what would life be like with super powers? So with that in mind, we decided to add a new section to this here site: Story Time.

We're gonna be telling a story over a loooong period of time using teeny tiny chapters that will always leave you asking for more. (That doesn't sound like a good thing.)

Anyway, the first story will be called "Super Heroes," and it will be all about the members of the Pake Shlake Band receiving super powers and the shenanigans that ensue. Stay tuned.

Friday, January 11, 2008

O Cherry Tree

Last week, we asked you give us your super hero name. Unfortunately, none of the answers were very good, so we are going to declare no one the winner, and roll over the prize. No, not roll over like roll over, roll over like roll over. Yes, like that.

Earlier this week, Johnny was asking plenty of questions about President's Day, and that led us to one more:

What is your favorite President's Day carol?

Johnny mentioned some good ones, but our favorite is "Do You Hear What I Hear? Yes, we have wiretapped your phone." Tell us yours.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Rain Rain Go Away

People always get angry when it rains, and they scamper around under umbrellas to stay dry. But when people take showers, they don't scamper with umbrellas, and they are not angry. So, the obvious solution is, when it rains, allow everyone to walk around naked. Then, no one will have to scamper to get out of the rain. They will scamper to avoid people seeing them naked.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

President's Day Carols

You know how they start playing Christmas songs on the radios and in malls waaaay too early? Like months in advance? Don't you think it's about time for them to start playing President's Day songs yet? Like "O Cherry Tree", "O Little Town of Springfield", and "Joy to the United States"?

Don't you find it interesting that every sentence so far has been a question? Me neither. Me neither??

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Barrel of Laughs

I like the expression "It's like shooting fish in a barrel." Example: If someone says to me, "I like collecting the bottletops of different beers I've had," I reply, "It's like shooting fish in a barrel." And then the other guy will go, "Oh, you think it's an easy thing to do?" And I say, "No, I think it is a very strange hobby that's probably not too fulfilling or enjoyable." I think I use the expression improperly.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Super Names

In honor of the holiday season, we asked you to give us the strangest duo for a Christmas Carol. Max won for his choice of Michael Jackson and Jimmy Durante. To quote: "Large nose meets no nose." So, Max gets his props from us, particularly because any reference to the "Schnozzola" deserves props.

For this week's game, we were thinking about super heroes, and we came up with this question:

If you were a super hero, what would your name be?

For us, we would choose General Crushificator and Titanium-Man with our Hammer of Justice and Bell of Freedom. You see, you need a strong name to be a super hero. Especially when your super tools are named after lyrics from a Peter, Paul, and Mary song.

What about you?

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Window Bashers

True Story: Okay, remember the other day when I talked about a bird flying into my window? I pretended that it happened recently when it really happened months ago. But! "Today" - "right now" - a bird really did just fly into my window. And this is what he did. He kind of shook his head and looked around a lot. I guess he wanted to see if any of his woodland friends had seen him.

I have a feeling they did because he was flying side by side with another bird. The other bird didn't fly into the window. Bet that's gonna cause some strife in that relationship. "Dude, why didn't you tell me there was a force field there?" "Come on, I didn't know until you ran into it!"

Of course, birds would not understand the concept of glass windows, so they would have to assume it was a force field they ran into. All birds know about force fields.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


I wrote a poem, but I'm not saying how it goes. I decided not to show 'em, so I wrote it out in prose.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Super Speed Food

If I were a super hero, I would try to use my powers even when I was my alter ego. For example, if I were the Flash, I would work at a fast food restaurant. Oh man, would you get your food fast. Not to mention all the big tips. What? Fast food workers don't get tips? No wonder the Flash doesn't work at Mickey D's.