Friday, May 30, 2008

Memorial Memories

So Monday was Memorial Day, the unofficial beginning of summer. The official beginning of summer isn't for another month. Father Time has taken the habit of running late in his old age. Or Memorial Day rudely arrives to the party super early. However you want to look at it.

Anyway, since we talked a lot about stories this week (the story's coming, the story's here, here's a completely different and unwanted story), we decided we'd let you all have a turn. And we're gonna have a Memorial Day theme.

Tell us a story about summers.

That's it. Just tell us a story about summers: last summer, this upcoming summer, summers of yore, summers of my, whatever summer you want. Here's ours:

Once upon a time there was a man. And he was cool. And he hosted a television show with Gak. Then he went to the Food Network. He's significantly less cool now.

Yes, that story was about Mark Summers. Yes, that has nothing to do with Memorial Day, as it turns out. But that's not the point. The point? Tell us a story. In the comments of course.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I Can Always Complain

When I ask people, "How are you?", sometimes I get the response, "I can't complain." I like to respond to this by saying, "Well, then you're not trying hard enough."

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Don't Pressure Me

You want a story? Okay. Here's one:

Once upon a time there was a guy. And his name was ... Jim. And he ... had ... ... arms. Two of them. And he had legs. ... Also two of them. And then one day ... he walked somewhere ... on those legs, of course. And clapped. The end.

I'm not very good at coming up with stories on the spot.

(But stories about super heroes and toxic pizza are one of the things that the Pake Shlake Band does best.)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Chapter 19: I'll Time You

"Um, so we save the pizza?" Mike asked.

"Yes," Johnny replied.

"And we don't eat it?"


"And we don't throw it away?"


"And we eat it later?"

"Yes. Wait, no! Well, yes I guess. But much later. When we know what it does."

"OK, " Mike said. "But what about the unfinished pieces?"

"Throw those out," Johnny said, putting them in the empty pizza box.

"You want to take out the trash? It's raining."

"I'll time you," Johnny offered.

"Johnny, how old do you think I am? 8?"

"On your mark, get set, GO!"

Mike grabbed the pizza box and ran out the door, almost instantaneously he was back.

"Whoa, that was fast."

"Did I break my record?"

"Um, yeah, maybe we have more powers than we thought."

And less trivial ones, too.

"Did the narrator just knock our powers?" Mike asked.

"Sounded like it." Johnny said. The narrator smirked, knowing that the two could not come up with a clever retort as the chapter was over.

Long Weekend

Hello, again.

As you know, we at the Pake Shlake Band do not approve of working over the weekend. In fact, we do not approve of working at all, but especially not on the weekend, and especially not long weekends. What is the point of a long weekend if you have to work during it? Then they might as well call it a long workend. But, fortunately, they don't, so we don't. Work on weekends, that is.

As a few of you noticed, we may or may not have forgotten to put up a Story Time last week. And, seeing as yesterday was a Monday that was part of a long weekend, it seemed like you might have to miss out on the next chapter of the story for two weeks in a row. But, we felt this would not be fair. An injustice, so to speak. So, in order to prevent that injustice, we are having a rare Tuesday showing of our Story Time. We know, it's hard to believe, but to ensure we provide you with quality humor, we at the Pake Shlake Band will do whatever it takes. Well, except work on weekends.

Friday, May 23, 2008

The Joke's on You

Last weekend was the Preakness, and Big Brown was indeed victorious. (No, we aren't bitter that Tres Borrachos didn't win...It's not like we put big bucks on him or anything.) But as for the winner of last week's Game Time, we have to give it to Max. (But I mean, come on! He should change his name to Doce Borrachos, so then his number will match where he finishes in races!) A few weeks ago Max nominated Big Brown as a silly horse name. And since our question was which of the horse names from that contest would win the Preakness, it turns out Max's did. So, even though he did not play this week, he wins.

Anyway, earlier this week, Johnny told us that jokes are overrated (and that Story Time is easy to forget about.) So, in our never-ending mission to make life more jovial, we are trying to un-overrate jokes, with your help.

Think of a better punchline to the following joke.

How does the prisoner call home?

The real answer is: With his cell phone.

Our new answer: With the one phone call he can make before being thrown in jail.

What is your answer?

Thursday, May 22, 2008


When you are hungry, your stomach growls. I have a theory that, long ago, all our body parts growled for attention. For example, if you leg itched, it would start growling. That is how you would know to scratch it. But, when we invented movie theaters, it became difficult to hear the movie because of all the growling, so humans evolved to have our body parts not growl anymore. But, our stomach was too stubborn to evolve, so it still growls.

I didn't say it was a good theory.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Tiger, Tiger

What do you think would happen if Tiger Woods met a tiger in the woods? Would he go, "Hey! We got the same name!" or would he run away very frightened?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Rock On

You know the game Rock, Paper, Scissors? I still don't understand why rock can't beat paper. It's a rock! Just throw it at the paper!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Joke Time

Who wants a joke? You do!

How does the prisoner call home?
With his CELL PHONE!

Hahahaha. Get it? Cell?

Jokes are overrated.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Double Darby

Last week, we asked everybody who should be the host of Donk of Love. The answers came back, and we're gonna have to go with Max as the winner, picking Count Chocula as the host. Apparently cereal mascots are really into donkey driven reality shows. They're grrrrr-oovy.

Anyway, since the Preakness is tomorrow, we decided to go back to the horse racing theme. A couple weeks back we asked e'erbody about racehorse names. Nobody won that game because we didn't feel like picking anybody. But that's all gonna change.

Which of the silly-named horses would win the Preakness?

If you didn't like any of the other names, come up with your own and say why he or she would win or lose the Preakness or Belmont Stakes. Wow, there's a lot of words in that thar sentence.

Anyway, have fun with it; that's what games are for, right?

Thursday, May 15, 2008


I was recently at Andrews Air Force Base, and as you enter the base there is a sign that reads, "Model Environmental Community." I thought that was Epcot.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


You think anyone's ever confused icons with iCons? Like they get on their Mac, try to open up their email or something, but can't because they're afraid of the iConmen and their iCons. They're so afraid of not being an iSucker that they actually become one. Wow.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


You know how people say, "Congratulations!" when something good happens to them of their own merit, like if they get a raise or something? OK, that was a bit convoluted, but you know why people say congratulations. My point is this: I think sometimes congratulations is too laudatory. (Laudatory? Try again.) My point is this: I think sometimes congratulations is too strong a word. (Better, I guess.) So, when someone does something that is sort of deserving of a congratulations, but not really, I like to do this:

Man: Hey, I got a B- on my exam!
Me: Oh. Congratulation!
Man: Um, don't you mean 'Congratulations'?
Me: No, that accomplishment is not worthy of multiple congratulations. You only get one.
Man: Oh.
Me: Sorry, buddy. Work harder, next time.
Man: Well, bye, I guess.
Me: See ya!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Chapter 18: The Leftovers

"Fiiiine, " Mike said, sounding disappointed. "I guess we can throw it out."

"Mike, it's toxic!"

"I know, " Mike said. "But maybe we should save some, in case we want more powers. Like laser vision!"

"Why do you want laser vision, isn't hat power enough?"

"Yeah, but with laser vision, I can heat up my cold leftover pizza."

"But, you can't get laser vision until you eat the cold leftover pizza," Johnny replied.

"What cruel irony!!"

"Anyway, " Johnny continued, "You make a good point."

"About laser vision?"

"No, about maybe needing this pizza later on, maybe to someday get rid of our powers when we understand what has happened to us."

"Why would we want to get rid of these powers? They're great!" Mike was now wearing a sombrero.

"Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: 'With great power comes great responsibility.' This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-man."

"Whoa, you can quote movies too?"

"No, no, I just know that quote."

Friday, May 9, 2008

Host of Love

Howdy, folks! Time of another week of Game Time. Last time, we asked for clever horse names. We usually pick a winner for our games. Usually. Oh, well.

Earlier this week, Johnny outlined an idea for a new television show starring Francis the donkey and a chihuahua lady friend. After much deliberation, we decided the show should be a reality series, which led to the natural question:

Who should be the host of the new reality series Donk of Love?

After little deliberation, we came up with the obvious answer of Cap'n Crunch. Who do you think should host? Winner gets a shout-out. Usually.

Thursday, May 8, 2008


You know how they call people who cheer for a sports team "fans"? The real term is "fanatics" which we then abbreviate to "fans". Recently, I got to thinking, "Hey, we call those things that spin around and cool us down fans, but are we abbreivating too?" I then realized the answer was yes. Of course these things are fanatics. They make noise and spin around like crazy. They are probably even more fanatical than the sports fans. Except Red Sox fans. They are just crazy.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Donk of Love

I got a great idea for a new TV show. It'll be called "The Donkey and His Wife," and it will be about a friendly burro named Francis who falls in love with a chihuahua whose name is to be determined. The only thing I haven't figured out yet (besides the name of aforementioned chihuahua) is whether it should be a reality show or if it needs scripts.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Seis de Mayo

For those of you who don't know, yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. But here is something interesting. Did you know that it takes place on the same day of the week as St. Patrick's Day? That's right! Every year, Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's day are on the same day of the week. I think I am the first person ever to realize this. I'm very proud of myself for this revelation. And justifiably so, if I may add. (You may.) Justifiably proud.

But, the real interesting part is that the Mexicans and the Irish have holidays that share the same day of the week. Oh, dear. That was the real interesting part? That's not interesting at all. Now, I'm disappointed in myself. (And justifiably so, if I may add.) You may. (Justifiably disappointed.)

Monday, May 5, 2008

Chapter 17: Leftovers

"Be serious now," Johnny said. "What should we do with the rest of the pizza? It's clearly toxic."

"Eat it. I guess," Mike suggested. "Mom always said to finish your dinner."

"Dude, its poisoned! Mom also said 'Don't eat poison.'"

"Did Mom really say that?"

"Choo better believe it."

"Oh, ok." Mike then gasped suddenly. "Uh oh, it seems like we have a dilemma. What are we supposed to do when two of Mom's doctrines are in conflict? It's like when we had to decide which took precedence: 'Whoever smelt it, dealt it' or 'Whoever denied it, supplied it.'"

"Yeah, well, they are both easy. The answer to that one is always "Mike did it," and the answer to this one is, 'Don't eat poison.'"

Friday, May 2, 2008

Kentucky Darby

Last week, in honor of Earth Day, we asked everybody to come up with an ode to Earth. DJ wins for his nursery rhyme:
  Ole Mother Earth
  Went to the hearth
  to fetch her poor dog a bone
  But it was covered in soot
  and smog to boot,
  so instead the dog got an ice cream cone.

We particularly liked the poor rhyme with soot and boot. Much like Mother Hubbard's bone and none.

Alright, anyway, tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby, and for those of you who don't know, that means horses with silly names run around a track and people in silly hats cheer and guys with silly voices talk about the event at subatomic speeds. (Are subatoms fast?)

So since this site is all about silliness, we are huge fans of the Kentucky Derby. And we thought of this question:

What silly name would you give to your race horse?

For us, we would probably name him "Rob Ot" and teach him how to run all herky jerky and paint him a dapple gray. That way, if he won, people would think he cheated since robot horses aren't allowed to participate in the Kentucky Derby.

What about you?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Horse Eater

Next time you hear somebody say, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse," bet them five dollars they couldn't.