Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I was watching TV yesterday when a message came on the screen and said, "Remote control batteries are low. Replace them as soon as possible." At first, I thought this was pretty cool that my television could tell when my batteries were low. But then, I realized it was kind of mean of my TV. If you knew my batteries were getting low, couldn't you have given me a bit of warning? Like maybe, "Hey, you're batteries are gonna die soon, no rush, but you might wanna buy some next time you're at the store." That would have been the polite thing to do. My TV is so selfish.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Ann Droid

If my last name were Ot, I would name my son Robert. That way he could be Rob Ot, and I could raise him to act like a robot. Like I would speak very slowly and walk all stiff-like in the hopes of him learning from me. And I would say things like "Processing...malfunction" and "Could...not...compute. Retransmit...instruction" instead of "I don't understand" or "What?"

Oh yeah, and I'd paint him silver. I don't think I'd make a very good parent.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Chapter 16: The Recap

"Alright, let's recap," Mike said. "We eat the wishing pizza-"

Johnny rolled his eyes.

Mike continued. "We eat the wishing pizza-"

Mike rolled his eyes, then continued, "We nearly die, and then we each have magical powers. What does it all mean?"


"Humming I see? What, have you forgotten the words? Hahahaha!" Mike laughed.

"Why you act dumb like 'uhhh, duh'?"

"Pshaw. Anyway, you have any idea what this means?"

Johnny shrugged. "I have no answers, but I do have more questions."

"Oooh, like a Jeopardy contestant!"

"Quite. First off, what do we do with the rest of the pizza?"

The two looked at each other, and then at the pizza, and then back at each other. And then back at the pizza. And then back to each other.

Mike was the first to speak. "You wanna split it?"

"Why you act dumb like 'uhhh, duh?'"

Friday, April 25, 2008

Ode to Earth

Happy Anzac Day everybody!

Last week, we asked you all what you thought IRS stood for. We're going to give the prize to Sid for going with Irwin R Shyster. We didn't know who he was but figured there was more to it. And with a little research, we found out that old IRS was a wrestler whose tagline was "You can pay me now, or you *will* pay me later. Who knew? Sid.

Anyway, in honor of Earth Day this week (and Anzac Day), we're gonna ask you to write a poem to Earth, and the winner will receive, you know, the usual honorary paragraph where we cite articles from Wikipedia and talk too much. Here's our poem:

Oh Mother Earth, Oh Gaia,
You brought us Earth, Wind, and Fire.
So let's groove tonight,
Share the spice of life.

Your turn.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Rock Bottom

You know how people use the term 'rock bottom' to mean when you've hit as low as you can possibly go. I bet that expression comes from digging. Like when you dig deep enough, you hit rock, or magma, or Satan's lair, or whatever it is down near the earth's core.

But if you've ever been to the beach, you'd know that you can't hit rock bottom there. You dig and dig and dig, and all you get is water and sand in your bathing suit. So I think it should be appropriate to interchange 'rock bottom' with 'wet bottom' for those beach-dwellers.

But then again, in a different context 'wet bottom' is not appropriate.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day. Now I can get back to my polluting.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Saludos Amigos


Some of you may have noticed that we at the Pake Shlake Band usually post something on this here site once a day (work day that is, none of that weekend nonsense) at around 9 in the AM. Today, we didn't. But that's not exactly true. We just posted it in a different timezone. You see, this post that you're currently reading first went up at 9:00am in Los Angeles and San Francisco. So to our Mexican readers, Hola! And Gracias!

What's that? Los Angeles and San Francisco are US cities? And they are really pronounced Los Angeles and San Francisco, not Los Angeles and San Francisco? And typing the same words twice in a row does not express American and Hispanic pronunciations very clearly? Hmm.


Monday, April 21, 2008

Chapter 15: The Borsalino

"Alright," Mike said. "Let's call it a wishing pizza then."

"Let's not," Johnny replied.

"A wishing pizza, " Mike said, totally ignoring Johnny's comments. "If it is, then shouldn't I be able to change hats whenever I want? That was something I had suggested before."

"Well, do it then!"

"It's not as easy as reciting lyrics, Johnny. You can't just think about a fedora on your head and have it appear."

At that moment, Johnny's eyes widened, and Mike felt something on his head. He looked up to see a nice hat resting on his brow.

"Or maybe you can." Johnny said.

"Cooooooool. A Borsalino at that," Mike said, taking off the hat to examine it.

"You know what this means?"

"I can show off my great sense of style whenever I want!"

"I think the correct answer there was, 'No, Johnny, I don't know what this means.'"

Friday, April 18, 2008

Renaming the IRS

We were looking for the features of a gym most like Hell in our last Game Time. We thought the locker room was the best answer - although technically not a machine - which means that Max wins. Congrats!

Well, Tax Day was earlier this week, and we decided to honor it with this question.

What do you think IRS really stands for?

The government will tell you "Internal Revenue Service", but we know better than to trust the government. We think it stands for "I Really Stink." Think you can do better? (It wouldn't be hard.) Leave your answer in the comments.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


At what point does "a receding hairline" become "an encroaching forehead"?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

With or Without You

You know how people say about women, "You can't live with 'em. You can't live without 'em." I say the same thing about samurais.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tax Day

For those of you who don't know, today is Tax Day. And personally, I think the people at the IRS are pretty clever. They rob me of my money for an entire year, wait until I forget about it, and then have me fill out my taxes and realize I get money back. Then, I'm like "Ooooh! I'm rich! I love the IRS!"

But then I remember that it was money they stole from me in the first place, and I am less happy. But still kind of happy since they gave it back. It's kind of like the school bully buying you a cupcake with the money he stole from you during recess. You're still kind of mad, but who doesn't love a cupcake?

Monday, April 14, 2008

Chapter 14: The Wishing Pizza

After a brief encounter with the narrator, the two brothers went back to assessing their situation.

"I wonder why you keep reciting lyrics from songs," Mike wondered.

"Maybe it was the pizza," Johnny suggested.

"The pizza? What does that even mean?"

"I know it sounds strange, but what if it was the pizza that gave us these powers."

"What powers?"

"The ones the narrator alluded to."

"Which are...?" Mike asked.

"Well, I seem to know all the words to every song."

"Oooooh. That's what you wished for! Maybe its a wishing pizza," Mike said.

Johnny frowned. "1 - What does that mean, a wishing pizza? 2 - I didn't wish for this power; I kind of just threw out a suggestion so you'd get off my back. 3 - Wishing pizzas don't make people sick before they get their wish."

"Well, maybe it's a 'make you sick then actualize what you had suggested previously pizza'."

Johnny continued to frown. "That's too long of a name for a pizza."

Mike shrugged, as he was inclined to agree.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Hell's Dumbells

Last time we had a Game Time, we asked for your best April Fool's Day prank. It seems as though none of our readers play April Fool's Day pranks. Good for you. Pranks are usually cruel and rarely funny. I'm glad our readers don't stoop to such foolishness. Good work.

This week, Mike talked about how the StairMaster reminded him of Hell. We thought we would expound on this idea, thanks in part to Tony.

What machine in the gym is most Hell-like?

You know what we think of the aforementioned StairMaster. Let us know your most hated workout machine. If we like your answer, we'll shout it out next time. And who doesn't like a shout-out?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

History and Sages

Yesterday, for no reason whatsoever, I said, "History doesn't take kindly to strangers." I thought it sounded deep and philosophical-like as if I were a sage just known for dishing out clever quips like that. But it just sounded stupid.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Stairway to Hell

When I go to the gym, I like to work out on the StairMaster Machine. You constantly walk up but never get any higher. That is very strong symbolism. It inspires me to work hard to become a better person. Mostly because it reminds me of what Hell will be like.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

April What-Nows?

Last week, Mike talked about baseball and April Showers. But why do we call them rain showers in the first place? If people actually bathed outside when it rained, they would probably be arrested for indecent exposure. Or being a public menace. Or jaywalking. And nothing's worse than a naked wet jaywalker when you're trying to enjoy a ball game.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Chapter 13: The Fourth Wall

When we last left our heroes, they were bickering about song lyrics, as Johnny seemed compelled to throw out lines from songs in conversation ever since he awoke after eating the Super Hero Pizza that had made him faint a few hours earlier. When we last left our narrator, he was reading way too long sentences.

"You can say that again," Mike muttered.

Hey, wait a second. You're not supposed to hear me. I'm the narrator.

"Well, we can," Johnny replied. "So your 'Spoiler Alert' from last week kinda gave away that something was up."

"Actually, I'm still pretty confused. Maybe we should just go on with our lives as if we didn't hear him," Mike suggested.

And Mike's suggestion was a good one. Unfortunately, it would have to wait for another chapter.

Friday, April 4, 2008

April Fools' Day Pranks

Last week our Game Time question was horrendous, and we got one response, and to be honest, we don't even know what it means. Looks like we need to update the spam filters. But regardless, we'll give TONY the victory for typing into the comment field and hitting Submit. Congrats!

This past Tuesday was April Fools' Day, so in honor of that holiday of all holidays, we've posed this question:

What was the best April Fools' Day prank you've ever pranked?

For us, it would have to be that time we wrote a post saying everyone should check back for more, and then we didn't post anything else. Oh wait, that was the worst April Fools' Day prank. Ever.

What about you? Post in the comments because apparently, we just give these awards away.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I'm Sick

I lost my voice a few days ago. (I think it's silly that we say 'I lost my voice,' because we don't lose other parts of our body. And if we do, we won't get it back later on with no permanent damage.)

Anyway, I lost my voice and I have a sore throat, and it's been bothering me. So I decided I would be constructive in my misery by putting my creative hat on (see upper left corner of page) and writing a poem. Here goes:

I have a sore throat
I sound like a goat
A goat with a sore throat

What do you think?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

April Showers

The new baseball season started this week, and already some games have been postponed or cancelled. Why is this? Because baseball isn't played in the rain. But for some reason, the powers that be felt it would be good to start the season in April, which is known for its rain, as immortalized by the rhyme, "April showers bring May flowers." Why would they pick the rainiest month to start a sport that you don't play in the rain? It would be like if November, the starting month for hockey, had a rhyme, "November is very nice for melting indoor ice."

April Fool's Day-After

So apparently, Mike made a post yesterday (under using the Pake Shlake Band account) claiming that there would be a second post in honor of April Fool's Day. Then he didn't write another post, and I sure as heck didn't, so we ended up with only one post. I think that might have been his point. Like it was an April Fool's Day trick to get people to keep coming back for more only to be disappointed. But that's just mean. It's never a good idea to trick your readers into disliking coming back to your site.

And so to apologize, I am telling you that there is no reason for you to come back to this site today.



I don't think it's a good idea to flat out tell your readers not to come back to your site either.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool's Day

For those of you who don't know, today is April 1st, commonly known as April Fool's Day. And, since we at the Pake Shlake Band feel as though we are great fools, we thought we would celebrate. To honor the holiday, we have decided to make a second post today. That's right, folks. You will get two posts for the price of one. So make sure you check back later today for the second post of the day!