Monday, June 30, 2008

Chapter 24: Is It All a Dream?

"Why did you bonk me on the noggin?" Johnny asked, rubbing his noggin.

"Well, it was a test, to see if you were dreaming."

"1. Why did you lie about it then? 2. If we were dreaming, anything you do would be in your consciousness, so you'd have to bonk yourself. 3. You are supposed to pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming, not bonk on the head."

Mike replied, "1. I lied to be mischievous. 2. If we are dreaming, I am clearly in your dream. 3.-"

"Ow!" Johnny exclaimed, feeling a pinch on his arm.

"I don't think we are dreaming."

"Well, I'm not totally convinced, but to avoid getting pinched again, I will concede the point. But, I am still going to bed now, and we can discuss our powers, and what to do with them, in the morning."

"I guess you're right," Mike said. "And I am kind of tired, too."

So, the two went into their rooms to go to bed. Mike laid in his bed imagining the potentials of his super powers and quickly faded off to sleep. A room away Johnny lay awake, wondering if they would get any more super powers, and hoping desperately that Mike got the power to not snore.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Headliners, Part 2

Hello, everyone! Big doings, this week. First off, early last week we had a post translating Shlakese into English. The term translated was "brav," and we mentioned that we would use that word in a post this week, and the first person to post a comment on that post would get a shout out. Well, that post was about Wimbledon, and Emily was the first to post a comment. So, she gets a shout out. Emily!!!!

Next, we have to decide who won last week's Game Time about the Celtics' NBA Title. Your job was to think of a good headline to the news article. We got a lot of answers, but we are going to pick Nick as the winner, whose headline was "Lakers Drown." Short and sweet, just like Nick. Congratulations, Nick! You won the first edition of Headliners!
Note: we do not know for certain if Nick is indeed short and sweet. We just guessed. He could be tall and mean for all we know, but we hope not.

Now onto this week's game. We got a lot of responses last week for the inaugural game of Headliners, so we thought we would try the game again. (You see, to us, responses equal fun, so more responses equals more fun. And using fun, or equivalently responses, as an indicator, Headliners is a good game to play again.) To refresh your memory, this is how you play: we give you a brief summary of a news story; you think of a headline. Here is the article:

After over three decades at Microsoft, Bill Gates is retiring today. In 1975, Gates and Paul Allen, two Harvard drop outs, established Microsoft, which is now the biggest software company in the world. Bill Gates was the richest person in the world for almost a decade, and now ranks third on the list of richest people, with a net worth of 58 billion dollars. The 52-year old will now focus his efforts on the charity he founded with his wife, The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, but will remain on Microsoft's Board of Directors.

Here is our headline:
Bill Gates Goes on Standby

Give us your headline in the comments.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


For those of you who don't know, Wimbledon started this week. And, at the All-England Club, they request that when you play you wear a predominantly white outfit (And by "request", they mean "demand"). I guess the idea is that the snooty British people want all the players to look nice and fancy. But, if you ask me, I think they forgot something. Wimbledon is played on grass courts. Ever heard of grass stains? So, instead of looking nice and fancy, they will look like first graders after recess. Brav.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Et Tu?

There once was a man named Brutus. He was the rudest, lewdest, crudest nudist Buddhist there ever was. His mom would say, "Don't do this Brutus; show some prudence," and he would say, "No."

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Smack That

I carry my wallet in my back pocket, and occasionally I think I might not have it. So I hit my back pocket to check that it's there. And if it is there, I can take it out and everything is fine. But, if it's not there, it looks to the average passerby that I am smacking my bottom at them. This is significantly less fine.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Chapter 23: The Bonk

Johnny laid on the couch while Mike paced the room as the two discussed the possibility of becoming super heroes.

"Let's wait until tomorrow to figure out what we should do. Who knows, maybe this is all a dream and when we wake up tomorrow, we won't have any special abilities."

"Whoa, way to be a downer, Johnny," Mike said.

"Well, I'm just saying, don't get your hopes up."

At that moment Johnny felt a bonk on his head.

"Ow! Did you hit me?"

"How? I'm all the way over here!" Mike said from the other side of the room.

"That's strange. I wonder what hap-Wait a minute! You have super speed!"

Mike gave a suspicious smile, "Who, me?" And at that moment, Johnny felt another bonk on his head.

Friday, June 20, 2008


Last week we asked you to use the Shakese term "brav" in a sentence, with the winner getting a shout out. DJ wins, for criticizing our lack of shout outs. But, since he mocked us, he doesn't get a shout out. How do you like that, DJ? Oh, wait, I think in telling him we wouldn't should him out, we actually did. Curse you, DJ!

For this week's Game Time, we are going to introduce a little game we like to call Headliners. Or, Headline Makers. Or Editor in Chief. Okay, so we don't really have a name for it yet. The point is, this is how you play. We give you a brief summary of a newspaper article, and you get to pick the headline. We will pick the best one in the next Game Time. Here is the article:

The Boston Celtics win their 17th NBA Championship, destroying the Los Angeles Lakers in Game 6, 131-92. For Phil Jackson, the loss means he is still tied with former Celtic coach Red Auerbach for most NBA titles with nine. Paul Pierce was named series MVP.

Okay, that's the article. Your job is to come up with a clever headline to that article. Ours is this:

Big Three Win #17 in Six: 131-92, Statisticians Explode.

Post your answer in the comments.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


When a ghost says, "Boo," how can you tell if he's trying to scare you or if he's just heckling?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Sleeping on Stomachs

People say you shouldn't go to sleep on an empty stomach. I agree, but I take it a step further. You shouldn't go to sleep on a stomach at all. They are lumpy, and it's awkward when the person whose stomach it is realizes you are sleeping on them and says, "Hey! Stop sleeping on my stomach!"

I recommend sleeping on pillows. Much more comfortable.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Mouse Trap

You know the old board game Mouse Trap? I think they originally made the game with a real mouse trap, but since too many kids got their fingers broken when it snapped, they decided to replace the mouse trap with a safer, plastic one.

And then they added the man jumping into the bucket.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Chapter 22: Aero Pace

"Okay, let's pretend for a moment that these are our only super powers," Johnny said, as he slowly began to lift off the ground again, wary of the ceiling.

"Well, this all started with our talk of being super heroes. Maybe that is our destiny."

"But, how do these powers help us?" Johnny was now slowly circling the room, five feet off the ground.

"Well, if I have super speed I can-"

"No, Mike, how do the silly powers help?"

"Well, if you can fly-"

"Dude! How does changing hats or singing songs help us become super heroes??"

"You never know when song lyrics can come in handy."

"True enough." Johnny said, as he started to land on the couch in a reclining position.

"Really? That convinced you?" Mike asked, slightly surprised.

"Eh, I wasn't really listening."

Friday, June 13, 2008

Brav It Up

So for last week's Game Time, we kept the Triple Crown horse game going on way too long. We already asked about horse names once before and it wasn't that much fun. Then we asked again, and it was significantly less fun. By the time we asked last week's question, it was if we were beating a dead horse. (That would have been terribly insensitive had we written that last year, but so far it looks like Big Old Brown is gonna keep kicking...himself).

Anyway, so here's what we're gonna do this week. On Tuesday, we started explaining some Shlakese to everybody, explaining the Shlakiferous word, "Brav." Well, we want everybody to brav it up for us:

Use the word "brav" in a sentence. Or a story. Or some sort of dialogue. Or just post the word "brav" in the comments.

Here's ours:
"I figured it out! If I say 'strawberries' right when I feel a sneeze coming on, I can stop myself from sneezing. Aa-aa-strawberries. Aachoo!"

Think you can do better? Brav it up in the comments.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Uniform Uniforms

People always make fun of baseball managers for dressing like the players. But, it's the only sport where it makes sense. Obviously, you don't want an old fat man walking the sidelines in a basketball uniform, because who wants to see that? But, in baseball, half the players are fat, and the other half are old, so the manager feels right at home.



Tuesday, June 10, 2008


We at the Pake Shlake Band feel like sometimes we use a bit of lingo that is foreign to the outside world. And outside to the foreign world. This lingo, when used to the extent that we use it, may actually be considered a language. A language we like to call Shlakese.

So today we're going to help you out a little bit by teaching you a bit of Shlakese so you can amaze your friends. Or just confuse them, whichever you prefer.

We are going to translate a word - a particularly shlakey word - so you'll know what it means if you ever see it in the future on this site. Or any other site for that matter, although that would be really strange.

brav - a sarcastic interjection used when someone has made a mistake, or in general done something poorly; derived from the term "bravo," which means "good" or "well done" in Italian.

Mike: Oh, no! I broke a plate!
Johnny: Brav!

See? It's usage is very simple. See if you can use it in your everyday conversation today. And look for it in a post next week. First person to make a comment on a post that uses the term "brav" gets a shout out. Ooh! It's like a scavenger hunt! Good luck!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Chapter 21: Power Testing

"Ouch," Johnny said, as he was lying on the ground, his first ever flight cut short by the ceiling.

"You should wear this." Mike had waved his hand and was now wearing a helmet on his head. After helping Johnny off the ground, he handed it to his brother.

"Hmm," Johnny said, looking unamused.

"Well, at least the ceiling doesn't look damaged." Mike said, looking up. "So, we know you don't have super strength."

"Hmm," Johnny said, looking unamused. "I can fly, though. That's pretty cool."

"Yeah, I wonder how many more powers we have or will get."

"Me, too. Maybe we should try to see what other powers we have."

"Ooh, great idea," said Mike, as he reached out a hand and pointed it at Johnny. "BALL OF FIRE!!!"

Nothing happened.

"Dude are you crazy?? What if you had had fireball ability? You would have burned me!"

Mike started to nod. "Yup, yup, that was a pretty bad idea. But, if it's any consolation, I would have been really surprised if it had worked."

"Hmm," Johnny said, looking unamused.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Triple Darby

For those of you who don't know, this Saturday is the Belmont Stakes, and Big Brown has the opportunity to be the first horse in 30 years to win the Triple Crown. Since we have already talked about horses, twice in fact, we thought we would complete our own Triple Crown of sorts.

What is the worst name for a race horse?

We at the Pake Shlake Band think that a pretty bad race horse name is Slow Rider. Can you think of a worse one? Comment it up.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Scare Him

You know that oldie "Tell Him" by the Exciters? You know, it goes:

"I know something about love. You've gotta want it bad.
If that guy's got into your blood, go out and get him.
If you want him to be the very part of you, that makes you want to breathe, here's the thing to do:
Tell him that you're never gonna leave him.
Tell him that you're always gonna love him.
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now."

You know what, Ms. Exciter? I know something about love too. And that sounds like horrible romance advice.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Prince Prosopagnosia

You know the story of Cinderella? To recap: Cinderella goes to the ball. Prince Charming dances with her, then she runs away and loses her shoe. The Prince then decides to scour the land to find the woman who fits this shoe.

OK, so the Prince doesn't scour the land personally, he has someone scour the land for him. Wouldn't it have been easier for the Prince to just go himself? Then he could be like, "Um, nope. That's not her."

I think the only reason he wouldn't go is if he had forgotten what Cinderella looked like. That could lead to an awkward encounter.

Prince: Um, who are you?
Cinderella: Dude, I'm the girl you danced with last night.
Prince: Oh...Did the shoe fit?
Cinderella: Yeah.
Prince: My love!!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Welcome Back!

Ever notice how "Welcome back!" sounds an awful lot like "Well, come back!"?

So when you return from a trip and everybody says "Welcome back", you should say "I already am back! Jeez!" And then everyone will be like "What's up man, I'm just trying to welcome you back," and you can be like "Oh, sorry. I misunderstood," and then they'll be all like, "How could you have misunderstood? It's not very complicated."

Monday, June 2, 2008

Chapter 20: I Believe I Can Fly

"The two brothers elected to ignore the rude remarks of the narrator because he was a stupid fathead."

Hey, that's my job!

"Then don't mock our powers, jerk face."

The narrator agreed to remain impartial, provided the ad hominem attacks ceased.

"Deal," said Mike, as the two went back to exploring their newest super powers.

"Ooh, he said 'powers'! As in, plural! That means I must have a second one, too!"

"Well, I don't think it's super speed since then you would be a copycat. Do you think maybe you can fly?"

"I believe I can fly," Johnny replied. "I believe I can touch the sky." And with that Johnny jumped in the air, and was instantly ten feet off the ground. Unfortunately, that is where he stopped, since the ceiling was also ten feet off the ground. He crashed unceremoniously onto the floor.

"Well, you can touch the ceiling, at least."